How are you, brave one?

We are carrying pockets of trauma.

The past weeks have been a shockwave of trauma.

I find it really hard writing to you because just last week I wrote to you about staying hopeful. Now, I don’t know what to say or do.

20-10-20; 10:29 pm: I was getting frantic calls and texts from family and friends asking if I was safe and telling me to stay safe. I didn’t get any sleep until around 1 am.

It has been a hard 2020.

On Friday, I received my 4th rejection that week, this one hit different because a scheduled interview was canceled for no reason. I was left wondering if it was me or my identity. Overwhelmed and mentally tired, I’ve avoided God all week so when I decided to distract myself with YouTube, I stumbled on this song.

And while I listened to it, I thought about everything that has happened in the last two weeks and then my insides opened up and I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. This song served as a kind of assurance to me, a kind of slim hope. Reading the comments left by people opened me up to their worlds, joys, and sorrows like you were seeing a friend through their vulnerable state.

This is a shared trauma differing in their levels.

I don’t know what to say to a friend to make them feel better. Just this week, I had to calm myself through a panic attack. I tried not to cry when I had to write an email full of hope for our customers. I was rehashing the events of a long two weeks, feeling torn up while still trying to assure someone else through an email.

Where do we go from here? How do we get past the grief?

I watched this video on the privacy of death.

I have always seen grief as a private affair so being privy to the gory images of dead people all over social media can never be normal for me. Watching someone breathe their last on an Instagram live or hearing a mom scream as she held the lifeless body of Oke was never normal. Or even finding out about the death of a loved one from twitter can never be normal. The survivors who will have to live with the trauma will never be normal. We defied the boundaries of normal in two weeks and I wouldn’t pretend to understand whatever trauma anyone is experiencing.

I’m just as clueless as the next person but how are you, brave one? Please write back to me about anything ❤️