😶 Unhappy

How do you feel?

Hi, imagine that this is me strutting back here after being away for how long now?

I have mostly been away because of work, life, and not knowing what to write without coming off as pretentious. Why write when you have nothing honest to write about right.

It’s 12:28 am and I’m writing this in bed while on a Spotify group session with a new friend. We are listening to d4vd’s album; Petals to Thorns.

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I haven’t been very happy for most of the year. I only confronted this truth during a conversation with my friend via text who asked “What has made me happy lately.” I replied that I have had a few snatches of happiness. Like grasping onto and trying to hold on to happiness.

I’m oscillating between feeling numb, zoned out, nothingness, and then random bursts of happy emotions. I’m at this place where if I consider therapy, I wouldn’t be able to clearly articulate whatever is this thing that I’m feeling. How do I say, here…this is the particular thing making me feel this way. I don’t know how to do that, so I’ve decided to write to sort through my emotions and make my thoughts clearer.

I haven’t written anything personal in a bit so I am a little rusty and I apologize in advance for putting you through this pontification.

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On showing up in pieces

At the moment, I’m sure about two things:

1. I want to be as honest as I can be in this piece.

2. I have a bit of clarity in my life.

In the high-spiritedness of wanting to be more honest, I have been questioning which people and things I accommodate into my life. I think, I have clarity about what I want now and I want to be honest about communicating this too.

I’ve been confronting my adult relationships and friendships lately and I have realized that they aren’t so hard, humans only make it hard.

Another friend of mine once said after I have spent time ranting about stuff, ‘Focus your energy on those who matter and not the ones who don’t seem to care enough about you.’

While this is good advice, it is often too hard to follow. You can’t stop yourself from trying to find out where it all went wrong. When they pulled the rug from underneath you, without a warning.

This idea is also reinforced by how I am someone who doesn’t particularly handle change well. I always think about the befores and what-ifs.

Everyone says move on like they never existed but how do you do that when they leave pieces of themselves in you, to carry around like an unwanted baggage.

Lately, I have felt it all; hurt, anger, resentment, loneliness, and acceptance. I can’t seem to remember all the things that used to make my heart fill up with joy, made it race fast, or just plain happy. I don’t even care about things like I used to.

The thing is; I think I might be at this weird place where I am fully realizing that friendships end and maybe it’s okay. That people change and this new version of themselves might not have me in it and it’s fine. I shouldn’t have to feel like my expectations are too grandiose, that I’m being too much or too little for not accepting what’s been offered on the table.

In my head, I always think if you like them enough, you would try to make it work or fix it somehow. But what happens when you have spent all your energy fixing it and you are drained and back to the deep end.

Sometimes, I don’t have the energy for people and it’s not in the way of I’m too socially awkward but more of that I don’t have it in me to continue sharing my time, loving care, and existence with people. I’d like some energy poured back into me.

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Love me with your eyes wide open

I read somewhere that love takes brutal honesty. Love here doesn’t necessarily mean the romantic kind. I think with human relationships, the way I show up for my people is by being honest with them about how I feel, how they make me feel, and what I want. Laying myself bare before them, in my most honest and vulnerable form.

I also think that honesty helps with clarity. When you are honest about what you want and communicate that, you are able to see people for who they truly are, where they stand with you, get clarity on your journey with them, and manage your expectations better.

I like to ask questions in the sense of; ‘why do you love me?’ I don’t do this because I think I am somewhat special than others but I just need clarity on why you feel differently about me than others, why are you drawn to me, what do you feel beyond the excitement happening in your heart.

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As I come to the end of this longwinded and disjointed rant, I have had an epiphany.

Clarity and honesty matter to me. This is because I know that people tend to shy away from them. We are often too afraid to say how we feel about certain things, ask the difficult questions, or be confrontational about anything. So, instead, we say go with the flow, we will figure it out later - you won’t.

I crave clarity for my own sanity. I don’t like not having clear answers or spending my day ruminating about a thousand possible scenarios in my head.

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Going forward, I am going to sit within myself and ask the hard questions about my friendships. I don’t know yet what this might mean for them but I know that I’ll only show up in clarity and for people who don’t think my being is too much for them.

Our time here is brief and when we leave, what we did here won’t matter. So why spend it pouring into people and things that won’t fill me back up? Why do you do it anyway?

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❤️.